John Eggers: Ready for deer hunting humor?
What's a good deer hunt without a few good deer hunting jokes? 1. Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a rifle. "I hope he's not going to shoot at us," said one skunk. The second skunk bowed his head and said, "Let us...
What’s a good deer hunt without a few good deer hunting jokes?
1. Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a rifle. “I hope he’s not going to shoot at us,” said one skunk. The second skunk bowed his head and said, “Let us spray.”
2. What did the mother rope say to the baby rope?
Don’t be knotty.
3. What makes a goose different from other animals?
Most animals grow up but a goose grows down.
4. What do you get when you cross a fat football player with a telephone?
A wide receiver.
5. “How to you break a Norwegians’ finger?” You punch him in the nose.
6. How many Norwegians does it take to milk a cow? “Ten, four to hold the faucets and six to raise and lower the cow.”
7. A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist went to Yellowstone to study the bears. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided to kill the animal to learn if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, “You know what this means, don’t you?”
The other ranger responded, “Of course, the Czech is in the male.”
8. It was a particularly tough football game. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touchdown and a field goal. When the official called a close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
“How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”
The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that YOU STINK!”
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. “And how do I smell from here?” he called.
9. While cruising at 30,000 feet, the passengers were in a panic when one of the engines just blew up. Suddenly, the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “aren’t those parachutes?”
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”
“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as the third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”
10. Where is baseball mentioned in the Bible? In the “big inning.”
11. What does a dog do that someone steps in? Pants.
I2. What did one loom say to the other loom? Weave me alone.
13. A man and a dog walk into a bar. The man bets the bartender that his dog can talk. If the dog talks, he gets a free drink. The man asks the dog, “What’s on top of a house?” The dog says, “Roof, roof!” “How does sandpaper feel?” The dog says, “Ruff, ruff.” The man asks, “Who is the best baseball player in history?” The dog says, “Ruth, ruth.” With that answer the bartender kicks them out. While leaving, the dog says, “Should I have said, ‘DiMaggio’?”
Kenya stop telling those stupid jokes. They’re making me sick.
John R. Eggers of Bemidji is a former university professor and area principal. He also is a writer and public speaker.