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JOHN EGGERS COLUMN: What's in a politician's fanny pack?

I was watching the Gopher football game against Northwestern last Saturday and I noticed that the Gopher punter came on the field to punt wearing a fanny pack. I said to myself, "What could a punter possibly keep in a fanny pack?" Then I began to...

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I was watching the Gopher football game against Northwestern last Saturday and I noticed that the Gopher punter came on the field to punt wearing a fanny pack. I said to myself, "What could a punter possibly keep in a fanny pack?" Then I began to guess what he had in it. He could have a moist towel to wipe his hands. Maybe he keeps an extra tee in case he has to kick off. He could have a coupon for a free pizza. Does he keep his iPhone in his fanny pack? How about the telephone number of a cheerleader? Maybe he forgot that he would be playing in cold weather and he still carried a can of mosquito repellent.
On my recent trip to Iceland I carried a fanny pack. It held my iPhone, my passport, a guide to Iceland, a note from my wife and my wallet. It came in very handy and proved to be useful. What if our politicians wore fanny packs. What would they keep in them? Here's what Present-elect Donald Trump might keep in his fanny pack. He certainly would have a comb and a photo of his family. Although his tax returns would be enormous, he could have the numbers of the safety deposit boxes where he keeps them. He certainly would keep his iPhone in his pack so he could instantly tweet. Maybe he might have a coupon for a free cheeseburger. He would have President Obama's personal phone number with a note attached to it, "If everything goes badly, call this number." What if President Obama wore a fanny pack? In it he would keep a copy of the letter he intends to leave in the next president's desk that reads, "If you find that you need to tweet someone, don't." There would be tickets for a cruise. He could have some tickets to the Chicago Bulls. He would have some sort of a counter that automatically counts the days he has remaining as president. Lastly, there would be a note reminding him not to answer the phone if President Trump calls. Just in case, he would have a copy of his birth certificate. If Secretary Hillary Clinton wore a fanny pack, she would have a picture of her granddaughter, Charlotte. There would be a piece of paper showing the number of votes she won that exceeded Donald Trump's vote. She could look at it whenever she became depressed. Her pack would also include the safety deposit box number that contains the missing 63,000 emails. It would contain the title of her next book: "Chelsea's plan to make America great again." Former President Bill Clinton's fanny pack would include a reminder to keep his mouth shut when it comes to mentioning anything about Obamacare. Vladimir Putin's fanny pack would include President-elect Trump's personal phone number and a thank you note for FBI Chief James Comey. Melania Trump would have a picture of her family, Michelle Obama's personal phone number and a signed permission slip by Michelle telling Melania she can use any material in her speeches whenever the need arises. Bernie Sanders' fanny pack would contain a CD of the Beatles' song "Revolution" and a copy of his next book, "I could have won. It would have been so easy." Joe Biden's fanny pack would contain a copy of his next book: "I could have won. It would have been so easy." Jeb Bush's fanny pack would contain a note from his father, which reads, "We told you not to joke about his hair." Vice President-elect Mike Pence's fanny pack would contain a 10-point strategy that outlines how to run for president in 2020. Point No. 1 is, "Just say anything ridiculous because it won't matter and by all means, tweet." Ted Cruz's fanny pack would contain a personal note to Donald Trump saying, "Please forgive me for calling you a pathological liar, a serial philanderer and a narcissist at a level I don't think this country's ever seen and, yes, I would accept a position in your cabinet." The fanny packs of all news media and late night comedians would contain a prayer that says, "Thank you, God, for four more years of what promises to be a gold mine of unforgettable material." Pope Francis wears a fanny pack and there is just one small note in it addressed to the citizens of the United States, which reads, "In the spirit of your Thanksgiving, take heart that you have a wonderful country with many, many fine people who are willing to lead and want to do their best. It's time to forgive and forget. It's time to move forward. God bless the United States of America." Joke for the Day: What question can never be answered by "yes". (Are you asleep?) Will I continue to wear a fanny pack? Yes. I need some place to put a copy of the Pope's message.I was watching the Gopher football game against Northwestern last Saturday and I noticed that the Gopher punter came on the field to punt wearing a fanny pack. I said to myself, "What could a punter possibly keep in a fanny pack?" Then I began to guess what he had in it.He could have a moist towel to wipe his hands. Maybe he keeps an extra tee in case he has to kick off. He could have a coupon for a free pizza. Does he keep his iPhone in his fanny pack? How about the telephone number of a cheerleader? Maybe he forgot that he would be playing in cold weather and he still carried a can of mosquito repellent.
On my recent trip to Iceland I carried a fanny pack. It held my iPhone, my passport, a guide to Iceland, a note from my wife and my wallet. It came in very handy and proved to be useful. What if our politicians wore fanny packs. What would they keep in them?Here's what Present-elect Donald Trump might keep in his fanny pack. He certainly would have a comb and a photo of his family. Although his tax returns would be enormous, he could have the numbers of the safety deposit boxes where he keeps them. He certainly would keep his iPhone in his pack so he could instantly tweet. Maybe he might have a coupon for a free cheeseburger. He would have President Obama's personal phone number with a note attached to it, "If everything goes badly, call this number."What if President Obama wore a fanny pack? In it he would keep a copy of the letter he intends to leave in the next president's desk that reads, "If you find that you need to tweet someone, don't." There would be tickets for a cruise. He could have some tickets to the Chicago Bulls. He would have some sort of a counter that automatically counts the days he has remaining as president. Lastly, there would be a note reminding him not to answer the phone if President Trump calls. Just in case, he would have a copy of his birth certificate.If Secretary Hillary Clinton wore a fanny pack, she would have a picture of her granddaughter, Charlotte. There would be a piece of paper showing the number of votes she won that exceeded Donald Trump's vote. She could look at it whenever she became depressed. Her pack would also include the safety deposit box number that contains the missing 63,000 emails. It would contain the title of her next book: "Chelsea's plan to make America great again."Former President Bill Clinton's fanny pack would include a reminder to keep his mouth shut when it comes to mentioning anything about Obamacare.Vladimir Putin's fanny pack would include President-elect Trump's personal phone number and a thank you note for FBI Chief James Comey.Melania Trump would have a picture of her family, Michelle Obama's personal phone number and a signed permission slip by Michelle telling Melania she can use any material in her speeches whenever the need arises.Bernie Sanders' fanny pack would contain a CD of the Beatles' song "Revolution" and a copy of his next book, "I could have won. It would have been so easy."Joe Biden's fanny pack would contain a copy of his next book: "I could have won. It would have been so easy."Jeb Bush's fanny pack would contain a note from his father, which reads, "We told you not to joke about his hair."Vice President-elect Mike Pence's fanny pack would contain a 10-point strategy that outlines how to run for president in 2020. Point No. 1 is, "Just say anything ridiculous because it won't matter and by all means, tweet."Ted Cruz's fanny pack would contain a personal note to Donald Trump saying, "Please forgive me for calling you a pathological liar, a serial philanderer and a narcissist at a level I don't think this country's ever seen and, yes, I would accept a position in your cabinet."The fanny packs of all news media and late night comedians would contain a prayer that says, "Thank you, God, for four more years of what promises to be a gold mine of unforgettable material."Pope Francis wears a fanny pack and there is just one small note in it addressed to the citizens of the United States, which reads, "In the spirit of your Thanksgiving, take heart that you have a wonderful country with many, many fine people who are willing to lead and want to do their best. It's time to forgive and forget. It's time to move forward. God bless the United States of America."Joke for the Day: What question can never be answered by "yes". (Are you asleep?) Will I continue to wear a fanny pack? Yes. I need some place to put a copy of the Pope's message.

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