You may not have time to do some serious reading this Fourth of July weekend but you may find time to read some of my best jokes. Pick out one or two to tell at your next weekend picnic or while driving to Bemidji's Fourth of July parade. A few are really good, a few are really silly, and a few are really, well, just kind of stupid. The stupid ones are often the best.
• A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "Uno, dos, poof." He disappeared without a tres.
• An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing watching a juggler. The juggler notices that they have a very poor view. He asks them, "Can you see me okay?" The men replied, "'Yes.' 'Oue.' 'Si.' 'Ya.'".
• In the hospital they have a special machine for keeping baby blankets warm. An expectant mother was trying to take a nap. The husband takes the nice warm blanket out of the machine and places it on his wife's tummy. He says, "Do you think they keep these at womb temperature?"
• Which American president was least guilty? It was Lincoln because he was in a cent.
• Where did Noah keep his bees. In the Ark hives.
• A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. He says, "I'll take five beers." (If you don't get it, think Roman numerals.)
• Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they will never meet.
• My wife accused me of being immature. I told her, "Get out of my fort."
• Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
• Someone stole my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
• I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.
• You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon never comes back, what you lost is a pigeon
• How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.
• Teacher: Who ever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his book out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I'm going home now.
• Doctor: I am sorry you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean 10? Ten years? Ten months?
• Teacher: Who do you think invented dancing?
Students: I think it was a big Irish family with one bathroom.
• Father: Son, I want to tell you that you were adopted.
Son: Great, I want to meet my biological parents.
Father: We are your biological parents. Pack up, your new ones will be here any minute.
• Doctor: "You know, you are quite obese."
Patient: "For that I want a second opinion."
Doctor: "You are not very good looking either."
• A man got hit hard with a can of 7-Up. He's okay. It was a soft drink.
• Why do French like to eat snails so much? They don't like to eat fast food.
• Husband: "It's such a nice day, honey. Shall we go for a long jog?"
Wife: "I love how you pronounce, 'Shall we go out to eat?'"
• I have been really depressed lately. Someone suggested I should go to the petting zoo. I did but not one person would stroke me.
• I forgot my cell phone when I went to the bathroom yesterday. We have 245 tiles.
• A recent scientific study revealed that out of 2,478, 926, 259 people, 94 percent of people are too lazy to read the number.
My favorite was the "itheberg" joke. What was yours?
Riddle: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? (Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.) See you at the Fourth of July parade in my two door pick-up.
100 percent graduation
A local movement is underway to ensure the area has a 100 percent high school graduation rate. Thanks to NEI Bottling for providing the 100 percent flyers that will be handed out at the parades today and this past week.
Your kids are more likely to graduate, when you.
• Spend time with your kids.
• They get at least 8 hours of sleep each night.
• When you tell them funny jokes and ask them to explain why they are funny.