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John R. Eggers: Laughter makes the heart young

Ain’t it fun growing old?

Well with all of this depressing stuff in the news lately, I feel a need to lighten up a bit. Here are a few of the best jokes I have been collecting during the past several months. As I grow older, I am learning that a good joke is a pretty good elixir. I hope they make you smile and forget about all of that bad stuff that is happening out there. And, remember you are only as old as your next laugh. (I’m not sure what that means but it sounds profound.)

Romance, it never dies

Harriet was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Harriet was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily Art reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later Harriet said: “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.” Angrily, Art threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” Harriet asked. “To get my teeth!”

Friends For Life

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

The Irish Whiskey

“Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on the future. One says to the other: “You know Mr. O’Shea, we’ve had great sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would say a few kind words at ‘me’ grave.”

The other friend responds: “That I’ll do, Mr.O’Donnel, that I’ll do. But should it be I who should happen to go first, for old time’s sake I’d be forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of Irish whiskey over ‘me’ grave.”

The friend responds: “That I’ll do. But about the Irish whiskey, would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass through ‘me’ kidneys first?”

Drive much?

As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-94. Please be careful!”

“Heck,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

A Tough Old Cowboy

A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, 25 great–great-great children and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Red Lights

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — neither one could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”

The Ice box

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, “So how has life been treating you?” The old man replies, “The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I’m finished, He turns the light off.” While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replies, “Darn it! The old geezer has been peeing in the ice box again!”

It pays to be forgetful

An elderly man was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” The biker says menacingly, as the man burst into tears.

“This is the worst day of my life,” the elderly man said. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me because he thought I was getting too forgetful. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I forgot to renew my insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with a younger man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I bought a drink, I dropped a cyanide capsule in, and I sat here watching the poison dissolve forgetting that I was supposed to drink it and then you show up and drink the whole darn thing! But heck, enough about me, how are you doing?”

I hope you are feeling better after reading a few of these old jokes. Don’t forget to smile.

— John R. Eggers of Bemidji is a former university professor and area principal. He also is a writer and public speaker.