JOHN EGGERS COLUMN: Some fun jokes for the Deer Camp
It's that time of year. The deer are supposed to be plentiful so you will probably get your deer early and have lots of time to sit around and tell jokes. I hope you do. Here is a good sampling of some of the most stupid jokes you can "impress" the gang with. Some are actually kind of funny, too.
A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday. "From what I hear about your aim," said the Pastor, "it's a sin for you to hunt any time."
What is orange and sounds like a carrot? (A parrot.)
At the funeral of a very old gentleman, the funeral director was talking to the frail little old widow. After extending his condolences, he asked her how old her husband had been? She replied: "He was 98 on his last birthday." "Goodness", replied the funeral director. "That's a good age. May I ask how old you are?" "Ninety-six years old last week" she said. She then, looked him straight in the eye and added, "Hardly worthwhile going home, isn't it?"
What is round and brown and can be found under a piano. (A piano stool.)
A class from the local school went on a field trip. Unfortunately, the driver ran over a rabbit. He got out of the bus and found that the rabbit was dead and pushed it onto the grass. An ambulance pulled up, and an angry attendant climbed out. "Hey, you, what do you think you're doing with that poor rabbit?" "Well, it's dead, so I got it off the road," replied the driver. "I'll be the judge of that," the ambulance attendant said. He picked up the lifeless animal and laid the body in the back of the ambulance. He took out a bottle, and gave the rabbit an injection from it. The rabbit's little heart began beating. It opened its eyes, stood up, and ran swiftly into the field. "What did you give the rabbit? What's in that bottle?" the driver exclaimed. "This? This is a bottle of hair restorer."
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? (He used to lie awake all night wondering if there was a dog.)
Why does a milking stool only have three legs? (The cow has the udder.)
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? (An udder failure.)
Two pieces of string walk into a bar and sit down for a drink. The first piece of string walks to the bar and says "two beers please." The barman says, "We don't serve string here." The second piece of string decides to try, so he ties a loop around his neck and ruffles his "hair" goes to the bar and says, "Two beers please." The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "Aren't you a piece of string?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? (About half way.)
A man and woman were on their first date. The woman was trying to make conversation and said, "So I hear you hunt deer." The man looked away and turned red. "What's wrong?" asked the woman. "I'm not used to someone calling me dear on the first date," he said.
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six." The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge asked," What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stopped him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. What did this make him? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Two hunters in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage, you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
I guess that's about enough silliness for one deer season. Okay, just one more. A 3-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon, sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Riddle: Why is a pea small and green? (If it were big and red it would be a fire engine.) Remember not to shoot at anything that is big and red.
John R. Eggers of Bemidji is a former university professor and area principal. He also is a writer and public speaker.