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John Eggers: Jokes for the fishing opener

When the fish don’t bite, what do you do? You tell stories, of course. You’re going to laugh at my latest collection of jokes saved just for the fishing opener.

A Good Blonde Joke: A man is sitting at a bar. He turns to the woman next to him and asks, “Do you wanna hear a good blonde joke?” The woman says, “Hold on a minute. See that woman a couple seats down? She’s a black belt in karate, and she’s blonde. See the woman sitting next to me? She’s a champion kickboxer, and she’s blonde. And I’m a pro wrestler, and I’m blonde. Now, are you sure you still want to tell that joke?”

The man says, “Well, not if I have to explain it three times.”

The Temperance Service: A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

Sermon complete, he sat down. The choir leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn No. 365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’”

A Way Into Heaven: A frustrated mother, whose son was becoming more mischievous every day, asked her son, “How do you expect to get into heaven?” Her son replied, “I would run in and out, in and out, and in and out slamming the door each time. Finally, St. Peter would say,” ‘For heaven’s sake, come in or stay out.’”

Chicken Little: One day, a first-grade teacher was reading to her students the story of Chicken Little. When she got to the part about Chicken Little running around and shouting, “The sky is falling. The sky is falling,” she asked her students, “What do you think the farmer said when he heard this?” One student burst out, “I think he said,  ‘Holy crap, a talking chicken.’”

Some funny one liners to use when the

fish are biting

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.

Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.

An agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

The Talking Clock: A couple of guys are leaving the bar at closing time, when one says to the other, “Hey, you ought to see my new apartment.”

A little later, making their way through the apartment they arrive at the bedroom. Dwarfing all else in the room is a large gong. “What in the world is that?” says the guest.

“That’s my talking clock.”

“Talking clock? How does it work?”

“Just watch.” And the guy rears back and pounds the gong with tremendous effect. The whole apartment shakes as if there were an earthquake.

Through the wall from the next apartment comes a plaintive voice: “Good god, man, it’s 2:30 in the morning!”

If it’s 2:30 in the morning and you aren’t out in your boat trying for those elusive walleyes, don’t worry, the same fish will be there when you wake up.

JOHN R. EGGERS of Bemidji is a former university professor and area principal. He also is a writer and public speaker.