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John Eggers: Time to go on your spring diet?

Can we say the winter is winding down? Let’s think positive and say that it is. You know what that means?

All of us have been bulking up over the winter to fight off the frigid temps. That extra layer of fat is beginning to show and our pants have been telling us that for a few weeks.

I am reminded of an episode of Northern Exposure where everyone in town at the beginning of winter is eating twice as much food as if they are going into hibernation. We have been doing the same since the snow fell last November. Our exercise has been turning on the TV to the weather channel followed by opening a bag of Doritos.

How do we take off that extra poundage?

My wife and I have been on a minimal carbohydrate diet and it hasn’t been easy. There isn’t much you can buy or eat that doesn’t have carbs in it. Plus, my wife has to watch her cholesterol, which has made it even more  difficult for her.

We have been snacking on nuts to the point I am beginning to feel like an almond. What does it feel like to be an almond? I am not sure but my head seems to be a bit more pointed lately.

The key is to find a dietitian or doctor that thinks the way you do. A friend sent me a Q and A from a foreign doctor whom I think you and I would like.

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it. Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? HEL-LO-O! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! “Round” is shape!

The doctor’s moral would seem to be something like this: Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!”

If you may be thinking about all of those studies that say we should only eat bean sprouts and kale, you will be interested in these findings.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Now, how about that stack of pancakes? Winter isn’t over quite yet.

JOHN R. EGGERS of Bemidji is a former university professor and area principal. He also is a writer and public speaker.