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John Eggers: Laugh your way to spring after frigid winter

We are experiencing one of the coldest winters on record. The groundhog saw his shadow, which means at least six more weeks of winter. Ice fishing has been terrible. The Vikings didn’t make the Super Bowl — again. And, the price of propane has skyrocketed, which makes those people who travel south geniuses.

How do we survive such calamities? We will laugh our way into spring and this is how we will do it. I have seven really good jokes for you. You have to read a joke a week and tell the same joke to someone else. That’s all. Before you know it, March 21 will arrive and someone will have seen the first robin.

Tom Jones Syndrome

A man walks into a doctor’s office, “Doc, I can’t stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home.” The Doc replies,  “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” he asked.  “It’s not unusual,” the doctor replied.

Juan and Amal

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him “Juan.” Year’s later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ‘’But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.’’

Miss Beatrice

and the Organ

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!”

Bunk Beds

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, “Grandpa, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?”  His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. “Well, Hunter, it’s called sexual intercourse.”

“Oh.” Little Hunter said. “OK.” He went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandpa, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds and Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.”

Pearly Gates

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her. “Hello - How are you? We’ve been waiting for you!”

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her. “Which word?” the woman asked. “Love,” St. Peter said.

The woman correctly spelled the word and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing one day. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him. “Which word?” her husband asked. “ Czechoslovakia,” she replied.

The Mailman

Ole and Sven return to Ole’s home after a night of bowling. They go to Ole’s home and Ole goes into his bedroom to check on his wife and finds her with the mailman. He returns to the kitchen and tells Sven. He then goes to the fridge and gets two bottles of beer,  one for himself and one for Sven. After awhile, Sven asks, “What about the mailman?” Ole replies, “He can get his own beer.”

The Quarterback

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the guys with all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

Don’t you feel better already?

JOHN R. EGGERS of Bemidji is a former university professor and area principal. He also is a writer and public speaker.