Will Durst: 2014 Political Animal Awards
For all those who have spent the last couple of months shoveling out a car, you should know we’re at the tail end of awards season. And best be advised to hunker in a bunker wearing a Kevlar overcoat, because gold plated statues are being tossed about like air kisses at a gown fitting. Like clouds of bathroom hair spray during Oscar nominee luncheons. Like jaded eyes at a press screening of “Transformers 4.”
We here at Durstco are not too proud to jump eyes wide shut headfirst onto the shiny awards bandwagon with a great flying leap and sticky squid tentacle sleeves to prevent overshooting. In our dubious presentations, eligible recipients are the phony, pompous and duplicitous. Elected officials predominate, but anyone in the news qualifies as a nominee.Finally, we’d like to thank our friends and family and everybody like us and us. And all you kids out there growing up different, trying to hang onto a dream. Because without dreams, you’re like a Rottweiler without a spleen. So now, running the risk of spraining a wrist patting ourselves on the back, here they are — the 2014 Political Animal Awards.THE WE’LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT AWARD: Chris Christie.BEST DISAPPEARING ACT: Mitt Romney.WORST DISAPPEARING ACT: Bill Clinton.THE CHRIS CHRISTIE BIG SHOES TO FILL AWARD: Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker.THE LET’S ALL HOLD HANDS AND SING KUMBAYA AWARD: U.S. President Barack Obama.THE LET’S NOT ALL HOLD HANDS AND SING KUMBAYA AWARD: Russian President Vladimir Putin.THE “OH GOD NO, NOT YOU AGAIN” AWARD: Ted Nugent.THE THINKING THROUGH HIS WRONG BRAIN AWARD: French President Francois Hollande.THE WHY WON’T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS AWARD: Michele Bachmann.THE DUMBER THAN HE LOOKS AWARD: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.THE NOT AS DUMB AS HIS HAIR LOOKS AWARD: Donald Trump. Again.THE GROCERY SHOPPING WITH SALMAN RUSHDIE AWARD: Edward Snowden.THE IF HE WAS A HORSE, THEY WOULD HAVE SHOT HIM 10 YEARS AGO AWARD: Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid.BEST MAKE OVER: The Vatican.THE PIXIE DUST AWARD: a gift from we Baby Boomers to all the Gen Xers who start turning 50 next year.THE WE ARE THE EVIL EMPIRE AWARD: The U.S. Defense Department for using drone strikes on American citizens.THE MOST EFFECTIVE SPOKESPERSON EVER FOR FAMILY PLANNING AWARD: Kim Jong Un.PROOF THAT SOME SPECIES EAT THEIR YOUNG FOR A REASON AWARD: Justin Bieber.THE MANNEQUINS R’ US LIFELIKE AWARD: Wresting it away from Al Gore, John Kerry.MENSA’S SMARTEST MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD: Pussy Riot.THE WON’T EVEN STEP FOOT IN AN OLIVE GARDEN AWARD: Amanda Knox.BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN TECHNICOLOR: House Majority Leader John Boehner.THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN AMERICA AWARD: For the third year in a row...Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s doctor.BEST ACTRESS: Hillary Clinton for her convincing portrayal of a woman unsure of her role in the 2016 presidential race.THE HEY GUYS. I’M STILL IN THE ROOM AWARD: Vice President Joe Biden.THE YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES WERE UP THIRTY MINUTES AGO AWARD: Anthony Weiner.THE LEAST LIKELY TO WIN THE NAACP’S WOMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD AWARD: Megyn Kelly.THE TED CRUZ MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD: Ted Cruz.Will Durst can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.