You're turning off my TV! How can you do that? Live without my TV? Impossible! How can I do that? That's like living without oxygen. Impossible!
You told me for nearly three years? How did I miss it?
Yes, I watch TV. No, I do not read the newspaper. Read? Who reads anymore? That's for the old days.
But why don't you do it for me? You offered me a coupon to help pay for the transformation? No, you didn't.
But what will I do? Talk to the wife? You've got to be kidding. Play with the kids? Borrring! Go to church? They're all hypocrites. Attend a council meeting? Politicians are all corrupt.
The school is putting on a musical? Inconvenient. I don't want to go out in the cold. BSU has a group of high school kids from all over Minnesota who are giving a concert? Not my kind of music. How do I know? I just do.
Go for a walk? Exercise kills you. Pray? Hey, that's a good idea. Dear Mr. Obama. Please help me. I need my TV. Can't you hear me? I need my TV! OK, it's just an electronic box. But -- it has life-giving blood which I need to live. Who's Karl Marx? Opiate of the masses? I thought it was church. OK, so I did hear somebody mention him.
Television is the opiate of the masses. No way, Sir! No way. There I hear about drunk drivers and snowstorms. What if it's going to snow in the morning? I could just open the door and look outside? You're crazy.
Darfur? I don't know anything about that candy. People starving? They're so far away. The war? Dull. Election? Ya, ya, ya. Don't bother me with the facts.
What am I going to do? Without TV: Die! I can't live without it.
Maybe next time I will listen and get prepared? No way, Sir. I wait for April 15 to get my tax papers out. I can't change old habits.
Then you don't feel sorry for me? Ingrate. See if I vote for you again. Vote? I don't bother. It doesn't make any difference, so why bother. Just fix my TV. Please!
Gerald C. "Jeb" Monge