All right, it was a hecka-long holiday season. I'm tired and you're tired. And neither of us has the energy to go through the whole post-modern deconstructionist explanation as to why you're reading a predictions column here.
Yes, I'm doing a predictions column. What's the matter with you people? It's the beginning of a new year. Hell, it's the beginning of a new decade. That's what journalists do: prediction columns. It's a festive tradition. Like mistletoe or Hopping John or calling hospital emergency rooms when Uncle Bud goes missing in the wee hours of Boxing Day.
And no, I don't care that we're already deep enough into January that most of our resolutions lie broken on the calendar floor like branches of a discarded Noble fir on the shoulder of a logging-camp approach road. C'mon people, what am I, flying solo here? Deal with it. Or don't. Because here they are: a list of predictions of what we can or should expect from various people during the first year of the second decade of the 21st century.
I PREDICT THAT IN THE YEAR 2010:
The airline industry will make every effort to rid the skies of the most dangerous security threat known to man: panties.
Charlie Sheen will attempt to hire whoever is responsible for Tiger Woods' damage control.
Steve Jobs will evacuate a series of smooth, light and aerodynamically curvaceous clumps of waste, which will be reported upon at great length.
Barack Obama will finally purge himself of that overabundance of expectations for a bit of congressional assistance.
Tiger Woods will win the Masters, evidencing such a triumphant links return that other PGA wives will be encouraged to take 9 irons to their husbands' Escalades.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will direct his security detail to check out the firm responsible for Charlie Sheen's damage control.
Termed-out California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will band together with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal to form The Seniors Action-Star Film Series.
The U.S. Congress will outline a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all that may or may not involve raising the retirement age to 83.
In order to thwart further underwear bombing plots, the TSA will perfect the speedy implementation of the two-handed wedgie.
The Tea Party folks will actively set out to find someone in their movement involved in popular culture sufficiently to help them vet a new name.
"Law & Order" Producer Dick Wolf will create his own network and fill each and every prime time slot with Law & Order & Law & Order spin-offs including a posthumous CGI-enhanced "Law & Order" featuring fan favorite Jerry Orbach.
Joe Biden will undergo intense personal training to learn how to shut the hell up during moments of silence at Arlington National Cemetery.
Hillary Clinton will finally get rid of that piece of meat stuck in her craw.
Jerry Brown will receive a clean bill of health from his paleontologist and go on to win the California gubernatorial election after being recognized as the biggest goober in the race.
George Steinbrenner will convince the commissioner to award the 2010 World Series championship to the Yankees before the season starts to save wear and tear on his expensively fragile lineup.
CEO of the CIA, Leon Panetta, will get a piece of meat stuck in his craw.
Former Vice President Al Gore will continue to cultivate a high profile in order to finally realize his dream of becoming a permanent cast member on "Saturday Night Live."
Sarah Palin will actually finish, nah, never mind.
Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political comic, who has performed around the world and is a familiar pundit on television and radio.